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Jun 10th 2014

Gun Control and Second Amendment Sarcasm

Here are a bunch of previously unpublished, semi-disjointed thoughts on the comical overreach of gun control efforts in early 2013.


Below I mock (1) the proposed concept of only protecting constitutional rights everyone unanimously agrees that we “need” and (2) the idea that we should do everything, no matter the cost, if it could “save just one life.” (Those were President Obama’s two strongest arguments for gun control). Then I play around with using arguments for other issues (ie abortion, abstinence education, prohibition, etc) in the gun control debate:

No more guns for self-defense! Instead, let’s just pass a law that says all criminals must obey the law. Then we’ll all be safe.

No one needs a 30 round magazine. Just put better restrictions on crime! For example: Under my plan, breaking and entering is not just illegal; now it is really illegal! Plus, it is now illegal for more than one intruder at a time to break and enter (this may have been a loophole before).

Also — listen up criminals — if you break and enter and the resident is present, you have to turn around and leave. If you forget this rule and you accidentally attack the resident and the resident shoots and misses six times (thus running out of ammunition under the proposed magazine restrictions), you have to lie down and play dead until the cops get there 15 minutes later to arrest you.

So in conclusion, if criminals will just follow these simple rules, none of the gun nuts will even need a 30 round magazine. Problem solved!

Banning guns will definitely work well

We all know if the government bans something, it will go away, basically solving all societal problems stemming from the banned thing. Just look at how little we hear about illegal drugs like cocaine and methamphetamine today since they are banned in the US. Or how little alcohol consumption, alcohol-related corruption, and alcohol-related organized crime existed during Prohibition from 1920-1933. Also illegal immigration; the government made it illegal, so no immigrants come here except lawfully.

Therefore, just ban all guns (like the things I’ve mentioned above) and our gun problems will be solved JUST LIKE ALL THE PROBLEMS I’VE MENTIONED ABOVE.

If you won’t support reasonable alcohol control, you obviously want children to die.

I believe in the 21st amendment, but I am also for reasonable alcohol control.

In the United States annually, we can expect approximately 25,000 deaths directly attributed to alcohol use. Imagine 1,000 Sandy Hooks every year. That is how many Americans die from assault alcohol.

No one really needs alcohol. It probably has about the same redeeming social value as oh I don’t know hunting. I think we can all wholeheartedly agree that anything we don’t really need should be done away with if it could save a single life, let alone prevent 1,000 Sandy Hooks every year.

But like I said, I believe in the 21st amendment. Therefore not all alcoholic drinks will be banned, just drinks with high alcohol content. We also need to create a drinker’s license. Basically under my plan, all beer will still be legal, but all persons will be required to pass a background check to show they have no felonies, DUIs, history of domestic violence, and that they are not pregnant or taking any medications that should not be mixed with alcohol. All qualified drinkers will be required to register themselves as such and pay a licensing fee. Anything with higher alcohol content than oh six percent will be banned completely. No one needs more alcohol than that.

Based the proposed six percent alcohol limit, the following beverages will be outlawed under my plan:

    India Pale Ale
    Stout Beer
    Sparkling Wine
    Table Wine
    Dry White
    Barley Wine
    Marsala Wine
    Madeira Wine
    Port Wine
    Bum Wine
    Light Liqueurs
    Cask Strength Whiskey
    Neutral Grain Spirits
    Rectified Spirits
    Absolute Alcohol

See, the 21st amendment is still alive and well. We are just making sure alcohol never causes another death. Please contact your senator or representative today and remind them that if they don’t support this plan they obviously want children to die.

Time to get rid of social media. Like semi-automatic weapons and the second amendment, social media allows people to exercise their first amendment rights too efficiently.

I believe in the first amendment. I am a responsible first amendment user. But even I know that social media like Twitter and Facebook go way beyond any sort of free speech our Founders could have envisioned at the time the first amendment was drafted. No one really needs social media.

If we take away Twitter and Facebook, it won’t make a difference because FarmVille is a waste of time anyway just like weird American pastimes like oh I don’t know hunting. People can just call, text or email friends if they need to communicate. Companies or individuals can just hire a public relations professional and set up their own website if they need to announce anything. Many children have been cyber-bullied using social media and committed suicide as a result.

Anything that (a) no one really needs, (b) wasn’t specifically envisioned by the Founders, and (c) has the potential to harm a single child should be banned. Therefore all social media, including, but not limited to, Facebook and Twitter, should be banned.

Ban Dogs

No one really needs a dog. Dogs kill 26 children and adults every year. Passing a law making it illegal to own a dog might save one life. If banning something no one really needs could hypothetically save even one life, we should do it. Therefore, it should be illegal to own a dog in the United States of America (except maybe in zoos where they can be kept by trained professionals).

Ban Motorcycles

No one really needs a motorcycle. Motorcycles cause or contribute to approximately 4,000 deaths per year. Passing a law banning motorcycles might save one life. If banning something no one really needs could hypothetically save even one life, we should do it. Therefore, it should be illegal to own a motorcycle in the United States of America. (except maybe trained daredevils who work for Red Bull so I can continue to be entertained on New Year’s Eve).

What if pro-abortion arguments were used to defend second amendment rights?

I believe gun sales should be safe, legal, and rare in this country. Gun owners should not be forced into back alley transactions where their safety may be put in danger for exercising a constitutional right. My waistband, my choice.

What if the same arguments for schools providing contraception to 12 year olds were used to defend second amendment rights?

You can outlaw them, but people are always going to have guns. It is stupid to assume that gun abstinence programs will work — they won’t! Instead, teach safe gunning. And give out free gun safety equipment.

Gun control by schoolmarm

The first amendment allows a lot, but does not allow you to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. Therefore, if some people abuse the first amendment by yelling “fire” in crowded theaters, congress should close all theaters. After all, the people have shown they cannot exercise their rights responsibly. This sterling logic worked in third grade when one kid misbehaved and the teacher made the entire class miss recess, so it clearly justifies our entire nation of 300 million people losing a constitutional right.

“I think there are a vast majority of responsible gun owners out there who recognize that we can’t have a situation in which somebody with severe psychological problems is able to get the kind of high-capacity weapons that this individual in Newtown obtained and gun down our kids,” Obama said [to justify further infringement on the second amendment].

The Hill: Obama Hopes to Enact New Gun Control Measures in 2013

In other words, if people with severe psychological problems can’t handle firearms responsibly, we’re taking them away from all of you. Back to third grade.

“I don’t see why anyone needs…” (Code for “I don’t do it, so let’s ban it”).

Basically anything that I don’t think you really need should be banned.

Assaults on our country’s foundational principles by our nation’s chief executive

“At some point, you’ve earned enough money.”

– Obama disagrees with the Declaration of Independence in his first term.

“No one needs a 30-round magazine.”

– Obama disagrees with the Second Amendment second term.

What will Biden disagree with in his first term?

First amendment?

“At some point, you’ve had enough free speech.”


“No one needs to go to church every week.”

Seventh amendment?

“If rescinding your right to trial by jury can save at least one child’s life, shouldn’t we do it?”

I know this is an immature take on a potentially very serious topic. But some of the most popular arguments for gun control are so utterly stupid and illogical. I hope these thought experiments have helped illustrate that.

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